you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
