is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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