So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
