Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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