see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
