I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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