a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
