when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
