So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
