You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
