Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
