69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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