wanna go halves on a baby?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
