i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
