NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
