Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
