I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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