I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
