did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
