you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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