Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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