he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
