Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
