Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
