so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
