Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
