Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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