i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
