So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
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