i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
