another moral hangover. fuck.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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