Pappa wants mamma naked
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
