does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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