my sisters under your porch take her home
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
