You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
