Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
