I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
