Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
