That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
