Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
