I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
