Umm I'm too high to move.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
