in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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