Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
