I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
