she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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