My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
