And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
