: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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