I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
