Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
