She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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