We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
