i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You left your phone here
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