my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
