I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
