yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
