I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
