I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
